Inside the mind of a vampire: The journal of Isabella Cullen
by awkwardtwilightlover
Summary: 9 years after Breaking Dawn, Bella's account of life ,watching her child grow before her eyes ,and crazy vampires chase her. I own nothing all rights reserved to Stephanie Meyer.
1. Chapter 1

3/26

If I could cry, I would be. Sometimes that part of vampire life sucks, especially when reality smacks you in the face. My daughter is no longer little and I will lose her soon.

Apparently I'm late to hear this new, Jacob seems to have seen and acted on this. I knew the whole imprinting thing they would soon be together, but finding them half naked on her bed was the slap from reality that woke me up.

The kicker was that they're not even together, "it just happened "was the only thing they said. The whole thing sucked royally. It just proved how grown up my baby is.

It hurts to think she will soon be a mother herself, with a life and I family. I know Jacob is the best person I could ask for to take care of my baby, but it doesn't make this hurt less. Renesmee already went thought high school and her, I know we only have another year with her. Facing all this mere hours after what happened isn't the easiest thing.

Another thing that hurt to think about is the fact that she and Jacob are moving so fast, even before they are together. I trust Jacob enough to honor and respect my baby, but he is still a guy. Edward and I waited…..mostly. I always pushed, so I can't count out that Renesmee may have started this, and Jake being Jake, only wanted to make her happy and didn't stop it.

I get how hard it actually is to wait, sexual frustration is horrid. Sometimes your own hand just won't do it. But I can't be any happier that I did it, when we finally came together in that way, it was amazing and special.

I still wonder, though, how Edward made it. For him it was like being a new-born again, all the sensations fresh and strong. I could barley keep my clothes on around Edward in my new-born phase. Where I had control in blood lust I lacked in Edward lust. He was constantly telling me when I was human he could lose control, then I thought it was just he didn't want me, now I can honestly say it was because he wanted me too much. I struggled to remember I was stronger than him when I was in an Edward induced haze.

Thinking about it, I can't really judge them too harshly, many nights Edwards's shirt ended on in the ground, along with mine.

I just hope she realizes how big that step is, and makes the choice wisely and not in a teenage lust filled moment of misjudgment. But that another lecture for another crime

Bella Cullen


	2. Chapter 2

3/30

Do you ever feel like life cheats you? I do eve time I look at Renesmee; I lost so many normal mother milestones thanks to her excelled growth. I didn't get to take her to her first day of kindergarten, I never taught her to ride a bike, never had to stay up late to feed her when she cried, it all was sped through. I'm grateful she's here at all, but it still bothers me.

Along with the thought of Renesmee's excelled growth, I've been wondering about the Volturi, they haven't been worried about but I know they didn't take lightly to being beaten. Aro was more upset that none of the Cullen's agreed to join him. Alice has told me many times that she can't see any danger from them, but I still worry. Edward read in Aro's mind the new interest he has taken in me and Renesmee; he wants us even more than he wants Edward and Alice.

His interest is thanks to the fact he knows if he gets me and Ness he will get Edward and possibly Alice, then with Alice comes Jasper. He know the best way to get to us is through family. He sees the bond we all share.

Our diet takes the more monstrous side of us out so we create stronger bonds. These bonds are almost impossible to break, and last forever. Sometimes this is not a good thing; Aro could get our whole family to Volterra by getting one of us to join his guard.

Many days I wonder how far he is willing to go to get what he wants. If the whole battle about my daughter is any indication, he is willing to do crazy things to get what he wants, that thought always brings Nessie to my mind, he could still hurt her, she's not fully vampire, and she can still be harmed. Though, that thought never finds it way for long, Jake comes to mind and I relax mostly. He will protect her better than anything else. He would never let anything happen to her.

They've grown as a couple in the last few weeks, not all hormonal and crazy. He takes her out on dates and treats her like a gentlemen, it's really sweet. Edward just loves the chance to play his role as overprotective dad. He scares Jake even more than normal in that role; Jake's thoughts are nothing less than honorable. Ness has been over the moon about the whole thing, she thought Jacob didn't like her at all; she had feelings for a while.

Edward and I are getting remarried in a month. Emmett constantly teases us because we are going to renew our vowels after only being married for 9 years. I can't help I want to have a wedding that is clear to first wedding is fuzzy like most human memories that I have. The honeymoon is the only acceptation to this; I can vividly remember my honeymoon. I wonder why that is, maybe Carlisle can explain that to me.

Bella Cullen


	3. Chapter 3

4/20

Do you know what it's like to be special? I don't see why I am, but it seems everyone else does. Lately more vampire have been requesting for me to join them. They all pale in comparison to the Volturi, but it still sucks.

The worse by far, out of all the wanting coven, is a coven of two, Jace and Clary homes. They are almost as relentless as the Volturi. They constantly send gifts and visit. Edward and I are sick of them being so annoying.

Speaking of Edward, he's been acting so weird lately, like he's distancing himself from me. I'm so worried. Jasper says his feelings are becoming less intense when he's near me. What's even worse is where his feelings are becoming more intense.

The Denali clan came to visit last week, Tanya throwing herself at Edward like always. This time, though, he didn't stop her. He encouraged it. He wasn't as obvious as she was, but I still noticed little things that he never does when she's here. They hugged longer than is polite, instead of sitting with me; they sat together on the couch. He put his hand on her leg as he talked to everyone, the whole time she's just giggling away.

I had to leave the room. Renesmee noticed this too, she left with me. Sometime I wish I could cry. That broke my silent heart

. Two days later, Jace came back. I was tempted to go with them. Alice saw this, of course, and talked me out of it. Her reasoning being that I still had Renesmee to think about. I could run off with a vampire coven if I wanted her to have a sable life. It sucks moving all the time. She would never know what it's like to have friends and go to school.

So, for the time being, we reside in the main house. Edward rarely comes to see either of us. At least Renesmee has Jake. Alice tries her hardest to help when she can, but it doesn't make much of a difference my mate doesn't love me anymore.

What am I going to do now?


	4. Chapter 4

5/10

This is what I feared my whole human relationship with Edward; I never guessed it would happen when we were equals. I can't be really surprised, though; he was bond to get bored eventually. Some things are really too good to be true, or to be able to last for a while.

He cheated.

The part that kills me is he did it in our house. The house where our daughter grew up, the place we spent almost all of our marriage, with that whore that he rejected since before I was born.

In all honesty, this is somewhat more believable than him saying he loves me. I know I became beautiful, but something in me will always be that human and I can't change that. I think he thought that the danger magnet human would stay in me though the change. The thrill of always saving me gave appeal to the gentlemen inside him. I don't appeal to him anymore, now that I can handle myself.

I've had been wishing to cry a lot lately.

The worsted part is that now I'm stuck as a vampire. The image of him kissing her like he always did to me will always be etched into my mind. What am I going to do? The Cullen's surly won't want to keep me around now that Edward is over is infatuation; I have nowhere to go and no way to support my daughter.

There is one thing I am thankful for, though this whole mess has left me heartbroken and homeless. My daughter wasn't there to witness this terrible act. She is away spending two weeks with Jake in la push. They get back in three days.

How am I going to tell her that her dad and I are separating? She always loved the love story that we had, admired the fact we survived the trials constantly thrown at us when I was human. She always said she wanted her and Jake to have as good a relationship as her father and I.

I would kill Jake if there relationship ended like mine.

What am I going to tell the whole family? Edward and that whore left after I walked in on them, he left me alone in this whole thing.

Where are tears when you need them?


	5. Chapter 5

5/20

Why? This word has plagued me for 10 days; it became a louder question when just a day before my life shattered more. The one person I knew I would, or should, have forever was ripped from my arms. Renesmee was kidnapped. I don't know who did this or why, but I don't think I can live anymore. My little miracle was taken from me, the last lifeline I had, and I have no more fight in me.

The worst part of the whole thing is, though he helped to make her, Edward doesn't care at all. What kind of dad doesn't care when their child is kidnapped? I know that we are fighting but even still, that's his child no matter what.

For weeks I've been wishing for tears, but now I truly see what Edward meant when he said humans have the easy right before he left me. I thought that my fairytale was coming true when I was changed, but it was a living nightmare. Why me? First my husband, a person that swore that we would never be apart, that we would be in love forever, cheats on me. Then my only support at the time, my child, my life, is kidnapped. What are you supposed to do when you have nothing? How do you keep going after your life is taken from you?

Jasper, Jake, Emmett have gone looking for her, the faint trail didn't help much though. The scent Renesmee's was mixed with was unfamiliar, but reminded me of someone, I just couldn't place it. Everyone agrees, though, it wasn't the Vulture.

Now, no one can say if tis vampire was sent by the Vulture, but it wasn't them directly. A few hours before this kidnapping, Jace, one of the two nomad vampires that are after me, came to me. it struck me as odd, tough, clary is always right next to Jace.

They are truly in love, I doubt Jace is secretly in love with another vampire.

The same questions and the same offer as always, but this time I wanted to go. The words almost slipped from my lips when Renesmee walked in, smiling and happy with her Jacob, I knew I couldn't leave her. I have to be there for her, no matter how bad I wanted to leave the Cullen's for good. I politely declined Jace's offer to join them. Before he left I noticed him eyeing my daughter, almost like he was holding a grudge against her.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Can anyone be so stupid?

How did I not think of the fact a crazy vampire was looking at my daughter as if he cold murder her with his eyes? Now, the next day she's gone? I doubt these are not related events. Jake notice this too, he didn't think of it either. Grief blinds you, the heartbreak he's going through, I've lived through, twice. You can barely think, let alone be useful to an investigation. I feel so bad for him.

The dark circles under his eyes grow deeper every day, he can't eat of sleep, and he is suffering. Was this the way Jake seen me when Edward left the first time? Was I a shell for those seemingly countless months? I wish I could do something for him; he helped me live when my life was gone. Now, though, as a vampire I can't even help him, my scent alone repels him.

How do you live without a life? The question that I wish I had the answer to for two reasons. Oh please, any god that will listen, bring my child back.


	6. Chapter 6

6/3

Two whole weeks, my child has been gone. We have found Clary, though. This whole mess started with her. She was the scent I couldn't place. I never knew she had powers.

Yes, she has powers, more powerful than all of us.

It turns out; clary can break and create relationships or connections. She is why Edward cheated; he loved me the whole time. I can't believe that this whole time she was messing with us.

Why didn't we smell her or Edward hear her you ask? Well I said she had _**POWERS**_. She is a mental shield, like me, she could easily block Edward from her mind. Also while under her spell Edward's power ids rendered useless.

She also has the power to mask scents and cover trails as well as she wants. That's why we only got her faint scent and none of Renesmee's.

She set us up to fail.

My suspicions were right, after all. Jace did have something to do with this. It's not me he really wanted at all, it was my child. He knew she wouldn't leave her life with us to go with them….unless that life was broken and her mom was with her.

Her kidnapped her and had Clary cover for him, he left her. She realized right away that he wasn't coming back; he didn't tell her where to find or meet him. Clary was broken. I know exactly how she was feeling, I had to face it , three times. Jake also felt bad for her, helping as much as he could.

Edward and I are not back to the way we were, I can't help but thing of the sincerity in his eyes every time he said something sweet to that whore. The way they were so close and in love, it ripped me apart.

_How could he? _I kept thinking, even now when I know it was all a trick, I still can't fully trust him.

_What if she just added to his feelings for Tanya not created them?_

As hard as he is trying for me, I can see he loves me, but you don't go from having sex with a person to hating them all over again.

Clary said she didn't leave any of her created feeling in anyone, saying that me and Edward should be as strong as before. She also said she had to create a lot of feelings for Edward, many he fought for a while, including his feelings for Tanya. She said we were the hardest ties to break of them all, we were so close.

That helped a lot.

So far we have nothing that's helping to bring my child home. Clary has helped a lot, giving anything she had to us. She confirmed this has nothing to do with the Vulture, in fact, it's about beating them. Jace wants to have the rarest coven, and the largest. We were the first targets, we have what the Vulture wants.

We will find her soon, we have to, I don't think my vampire mind can take much more.


	7. Chapter 7

6/11

How can someone torture a child? How is someone so heartless? We found Renesmee, beaten, sick, and barely alive. Jace had her tied to a pipe in a dark room; he didn't feed or take of her at all.

Me and Edward killed Jace while Alice took Renesmee home. We were forced to cut her hair, Jace cut big sections off as punishment. He forced her to drink human blood the while he had her.

We don't know if or when her eyes will change back to their normal color, or if her hair will grow back. Since she is part human, she is able to be harmed, Jace took advantage of that. She has long, wide gashes on her back, almost as if from a claw.

It hurt to look at, Renesmee was hurt so much. Our family was torn apart from this whole ordeal, especially me and Edward. I'm not sure our family will ever be the same.

Though her parents are struggling right now, Renesmee has her Jake and her whole family helping her. Carlisle stitched the gashes on her back; Esme is there for her to talk to, as Esme is a certified therapist. Alice cut her hair into a beautiful short style, trying to help her feel beautiful again, and Jake is there to help her with anything. From just needing a hug or needing to be told she's still beautiful, Jake is there for her.

Renesmee is still wary of Edward, she's not really ready to trust him yet, and I can't blame her. Though Clary already told me she created feelings for Edward, after you're cheated on you don't really want to trust that person again.

Speaking of Clary, she is now with the Vulture, on the guard. She isn't mad about our kill Jace, though she wished she could have help complete the task.

Edward and I are trying to be a couple again. It's sort of fun to have him court me like in his time. He takes me on formal dates and brings flowers, it's so cute. He is trying the same thing with Renesmee, but she's not as willing to accept his apology.

Tanya was exiled from both our coven and her own, Carmen hates that she still dated Edward even if he was married. Last I heard she was now a nomad. She completely switched lifestyles; she left our vegetarian ways and joined some other vampire.

Renesmee and I have become a lot closer. She comes to me with her problems, she knows Esme can help, but she needs her mother's opinion. Mostly it's about Jake and their relationship, though she has given a few details about her kidnapping she still is more closed off about that, though. I'm the only one she has been willing to tell anything about it.

So far my vampire life has been a rollercoaster, love to loss to kidnappings to killing crazy, sick vampires to having to date my husband, again. I'd say that I did make the right chose in becoming a vampire. It has been an interesting life. But most of all, no matter what, I know I have my daughter, my husband, and an amazing family behind me. Well…..maybe no when a vampire is breaking the ties of our relationships, but other than that, I have them

And I couldn't be happier.


End file.
